We sacked off the 9-5, burned our office clothes and packed our bags ready to leave. I had to send out a certain email first. To a certain kind of person...
I’ve worked in mediocre jobs for the last 5 years since I came home from Australia. It’s always the people that make it worth turning up, never the work. I’ve worked in restaurants, call centres and offices and if it wasn’t for the people I met working those jobs I never would have survived long enough to save money for this trip.
Although I have met some incredible, life-long friends in those jobs, I have also met some of the most uptight jobsworths crawling the face of the earth. Not only do you meet them in jobs where they have authority over you, they exist everywhere- in call centres, at the post office, the police, train conductors, you can’t get away from them. I don’t have an issue with authority, I have a problem with these people letting the authority cloud there brains. As long as they’re respectful and reputable and not patronising I’m happy to oblige.
In this last job I have been really lucky with my managers. Although, there was one. And as it is the last office I plan on working in forever I thought it best that he feel the wrath of a lifetime of anger toward this certain type of cretin.
So I sent out this email which addresses these certain type of creatures. It was sent from Heathrow airport, minutes before boarding a plane to go on an around the world adventure:
Good morning everyone,
I am speaking to you from beyond the bank.
I just wanted to say to all of the people who made this place super easy to come to every day - thanks a bunch. It's all about the people you work with and you’re all awesome. Pound for pound this was the best job I’ve had, I got paid to sit down and eat – living the dream! To my team, you're the coolest bunch of nerds/weirdos I've ever met. To my manager Andrew I want to say this – you have been a great manager, your people skills are on point and your sense of humour has made it a pleasure to work with you.
The telephony manager on the other hand… I forget your name (I think it rhymes with cob) but I say this to you with complete sincerity - You are not going to change the banking world forever, you are just a contractor like everyone else so get off your high horse, stop belittling everyone and understand this is not primary school and you are not a head teacher. In saying that I wrote you this poem to make your feel more at home in the fantasy head teacher role you choose to play:
An apple a day keeps the doctor away
A smile a day keeps the bad vibes at bay,
But a jobsworth a day is too much to take,
So chill out and don’t be a patronising knob-head all of your life.
I struggled with the rhyme at the end but point made.
So next time you look a jobsworth in the eyes (if you can see past the testicles) just remember this – they are not better, smarter or more significant than you.
Take it easy everyone. I hope I've made your Monday worth getting up for.
Peace & Love
I can honestly say that it was the most satisfying email I’ve ever sent in my entire life. Just come to work, get paid and go home. It’s as simple as that. If you’re married to a company which you have absolute zero shares/ownership/commitment then you should wake up and understand they don’t give a shit about you. Rules are there as a template, not to be followed down to the last letter.
This e-mail flew around the office within the hour and actually made it to many offices in Cardiff, Chester, London and then all the way to Scotland! haha. Management tried to threaten the people who forwarded the e-mail with their jobs, but so many sent it on, nothing could be done. Mission accomplished!
So to all the people who know someone like this, just remember the above – they are not better, smarter or more significant than you.
The morale of this story is – if you’re a jobsworth – WAKE UP. And if you’re not, pat yourself on the back and be grateful you have a life outside of the 9-5.
All my love,